Like many of you, we enjoyed a big family Thanksgiving with lots of kids. There were twenty four of us ranging in age from seven months to seventy years. It was especially fun for me to watch my own kids as well as my nieces and nephews as they took care of their babies, toddlers and small children. There was a lot of good parenting going on as each set of parents played with, talked to and tended their little ones.
Whether it was throwing baseballs in the backyard, reading stories, playing with toys or giving crawling lessons, these parents were focused on making sure their kids were included in the activities and having fun. Oh yes, once in a while one child started crying or misbehaved. But the parent didn’t get upset, impatient or angry. He or she simply talked quietly to his child and guided him gently to a better behavior.
I was particularly impressed by how much laughter there was. These parents were truly enjoying their kids and were delighted to have a couple of days just to be with them. It reminded me of an observation a colleague one made. Having spent her entire career working with families, she commented to me that it wasn’t the families who played and laughed together that she was concerned about. She knew that they were developing strong, positive relationships so that when the kids got older, they’d already have the foundation to weather the storms.
It was the families who didn’t seem to be having fun together that worried her. Without the enjoyment and delight to bond them together when the children were young, she feared they would grow apart. Children from these families would have more problems as they entered the pre-teen and teen years.
Now, unfortunately, one of the families at our Thanksgiving celebration seemed to fall into this latter category. The parents came across as uptight and rigid, watching their children’s every more and ready to pounce if they deviated from perfect behavior. There were very few smiles. The kids were adorable and sweet—once in a while a bit rambunctious. But they weren’t mean and they meant no harm.
Instead of quietly and respectfully re-directing them, the parents snarled and rebuked them in front of others. They were quick to criticize and even tell the rest of us how badly they were misbehaving. They showed little tolerance, compassion or understanding and seemed to have no joy in their hearts for children. Their harsh judgmentalism made the rest of us feel uncomfortable. I can only imagine how it made the children feel. Probably not very good about themselves or their parents. That’s why overly strict parenting techniques create problems.
I wanted to tell thsee parents to chill already because this kind of parenting doesn’t pan out over time. Small children will put up with it because they’re too young to do anything else. But as they get older, I suspect they’ll begin to react negatively to the constant scolding, the public put downs and the disrespect. In addition, it will affect their self-esteem negatively. The gap between the parents and the kids will begin to widen. They’ll quit talking to their parents and stop trusting them. And the parents will wonder what happened. They’ll probably think it’s normal development for adolescents to rebel and shut down.
But if you remember to nurture that great relationship you have with your kids when they’re young, then it’s not automatic that they’ll turn away from you when they’re older. If you remember that your connection with your kids is your responsibility more than it is theirs, then you’ll have the opportunity to enjoy your children as much when they’re teens as when they were toddlers.