Having Fun or Scolding

Like many of you, we enjoyed a big family Thanksgiving with lots of kids. There were twenty four of us ranging in age from seven months to seventy years. It was especially fun for me to watch my own kids as well as my nieces and nephews as they took care of their babies, toddlers and small children. There was a lot of good parenting going on as each set of parents played with, talked to and tended their little ones.

Whether it was throwing baseballs in the backyard, reading stories, playing with toys or giving crawling lessons, these parents were focused on making sure their kids were included in the activities and having fun. Oh yes, once in a while one child started crying or misbehaved. But the parent didn’t get upset, impatient or angry. He or she simply talked quietly to his child and guided him gently to a better behavior.

I was particularly impressed by how much laughter there was. These parents were truly enjoying their kids and were delighted to have a couple of days just to be with them. It reminded me of an observation a colleague one made. Having spent her entire career working with families, she commented to me that it wasn’t the families who played and laughed together that she was concerned about. She knew that they were developing strong, positive relationships so that when the kids got older, they’d already have the foundation to weather the storms.

It was the families who didn’t seem to be having fun together that worried her. Without the enjoyment and delight to bond them together when the children were young, she feared they would grow apart. Children from these families would have more problems as they entered the pre-teen and teen years.

Now, unfortunately, one of the families at our Thanksgiving celebration seemed to fall into this latter category. The parents came across as uptight and rigid, watching their children’s every more and ready to pounce if they deviated from perfect behavior. There were very few smiles. The kids were adorable and sweet—once in a while a bit rambunctious. But they weren’t mean and they meant no harm.

Instead of quietly and respectfully re-directing them, the parents snarled and rebuked them in front of others. They were quick to criticize and even tell the rest of us how badly they were misbehaving. They showed little tolerance, compassion or understanding and seemed to have no joy in their hearts for children. Their harsh judgmentalism made the rest of us feel uncomfortable. I can only imagine how it made the children feel. Probably not very good about themselves or their parents. That’s why overly strict parenting techniques create problems.

I wanted to tell thsee parents to chill already because this kind of parenting doesn’t pan out over time. Small children will put up with it because they’re too young to do anything else. But as they get older, I suspect they’ll begin to react negatively to the constant scolding, the public put downs and the disrespect. In addition, it will affect their self-esteem negatively. The gap between the parents and the kids will begin to widen. They’ll quit talking to their parents and stop trusting them. And the parents will wonder what happened. They’ll probably think it’s normal development for adolescents to rebel and shut down.

But if you remember to nurture that great relationship you have with your kids when they’re young, then it’s not automatic that they’ll turn away from you when they’re older. If you remember that your connection with your kids is your responsibility more than it is theirs, then you’ll have the opportunity to enjoy your children as much when they’re teens as when they were toddlers.

 

Families Who Enjoy Each Other

A couple of weeks ago when my husband Terry and I were driving through the mountains in Colorado, we stopped in a small town for breakfast. We’d barely been served our first cup of coffee when two young families came in and sat next to us—two sets of parents, each with a daughter and son about the same age. Since they were all laughing and chatting, it was difficult not to notice and become captivated by their delight and the fun they were having together.

It warmed our hearts. The parents talked together while the kids did the same. Then suddenly they were all talking together. They took turns and no one dominated or took control. The parents asked questions to one or more of the kids and then listened attentively while the kids responded animatedly. These two sets of parents had clearly figured it out. They had learned how to develop great relationships with their kids, and now they were reaping the benefits of their close connections, their respect for each other and the enjoyment it brought to their lives.

Kids are pretty cool people. They’re constantly learning and growing; they take risks and are not afraid to experiment; they question and are curious about everything; they have a positive attitude and are up for trying new things. All of this makes them very interesting and quite stimulating to be around.

Do they make mistakes and do stupid things? Of course they do. They’re kids. But parents need to learn to honor those mistakes because that’s when kids need their parents’ support more than ever in order to learn from those mistakes and make better decisions in the future.

Instead of ridiculing, criticizing and jumping to punishment, take the time to talk with your kids when they screw up. Be open to listen and to try to see the situation from their perspective. Ask questions that will help you understand your children better and the struggles they’re facing.

It’s only after you’ve been patient enough to really get the whole scoop that you will earn the privilege of being on the inside of your kids’ lives. That’s when you have the opportunity to guide and influence them. And that’s when you experience the rewards of those two families in the restaurant.

 

Where the Wild Things Are

My six-year-old granddaughter doesn’t really want to see ‘Where the Wild Things Are.” She’s afraid the monsters will be too scary. Should I try to talk her out of her fears by poo-pooing them and telling her it’s only a movie? No, not right away.

There are two reasons for not negating your child’s fears.

1. Simply saying “Don’t be afraid” only makes your kids begin to mistrust themselves and their own little “box of wisdom” that resides deep within them. When they start to doubt their gut instincts, it leaves them floundering and unsure of themselves. The ultimate goal for parents is to help kids learn to discriminate between what’s foolish, risky and even dangerous and what is not. There are so many things our kids need to learn about the world in order to stay safe because there are a lot of manipulators, abusers and predators out there. The more we embrace our kids’ feelings and help them stay in touch with their natural instincts, the better they will be at protecting themselves when we’re not around.

2. If you treat your kids’ feelings with respect, they will continue to share with you. But if you make them feel silly or wrong, they’ll gradually close off from you and you’ll lose the opportunity to talk with them about what’s really important. Remember, our feelings are the deepest and most tender part of who we are. When you acknowledge and accept your children’s feeling, you are accepting them, and it opens the door to developing a close bond with them.

So instead of telling my granddaughter there was nothing to be afraid of with the “Wild Things” monsters, I agreed that they looked sort of scary because they’re green and so big. Then I asked her what about them frightened her, and if she thought they could hurt her. I asked her if she’d noticed the smiles on their faces and what she thought that meant. I wanted her to engage her brain and move from pure emotion to reason.

I’m hoping that, if I respect her now when she’s only six and if I treat her feelings gently, she’s trust me when the issues in her life become more significant than monsters on a movie screen. I want her to feel comfortable sharing what she thinks and how she feels as she grows older and faces difficult challenges. I know we’re setting the stage for that relationship now.

The real monsters aren’t the ones in the movies. Tragically and all too often, they’re lurking about on the playgrounds, the streets, the sidelines of your children’s lives—even in their computers—waiting for an opportune moment to lure or pounce upon unsuspecting, innocent young people. As parents you need to have the listening ear of your kids so you can teach them to be watchful without being paranoid, careful without being afraid, discriminating without being prejudiced because there are real dangers they need to know about. Honor their feelings, treat them with dignity, and you’ll earn the privilege of being their mentor and coach.

 

Engaged or Plugged In?

The concept of relationship can seem almost cliché. You’d think we were all masters at it and ready to move on to something deeper and more complex. Yet, we still struggle with maintaining meaningful and trusting relationships on many levels—with our friends, our spouses and our kids. We’re communicating a lot, but are we really engaged?

If you haven’t already noticed, take a look at your kids. They’re almost always “plugged in.” They drive talking on their cell phones, they walk listening to music, they do homework on their computers, they eat dinner texting under the table and they relax playing video games. Trouble is, you may be as “plugged in” as your kids are. So who’s in charge of making sure you and your children are carving out and protecting time to be face to face, talking with each other?

Sometimes parents use technology as a babysitter, freeing up their time to get their own computer work done. They’re modeling for their kids that technology rules and one on one interaction—the kind where they put down what they’re doing, look at their kids and really listen to them—is less important.

My husband Terry and I often fall into this trap with each other. We go out for lunch in order to be together, but we spend the first fifteen minutes checking and responding to emails on our Blackberries. We miss valuable connection time—that special time when we’re engaged and focused on each other.

If you allow technology to take precedence, you give your kids a message that they’re not a top priority. So don’t be surprised if they wander off, shut down and become distant with you. Staying connected to your kids—especially during their tween and teen years—requires great intention and a commitment to be involved in their lives on a daily basis.

As a family it’s important to set guidelines and parameters for when earphones, bluetooths and remotes will be used. Decide as a family to make dinner sacrosanct. No one will answer the phone or text a friend because this is the time to share, to bond and to enjoy each other. Choose times that you will set aside, one on one with each child, to talk about the important issues in their lives, to let them know how much you value them, to affirm who they are as young people. Make it your goal to be a family who is not just “plugged in,’ but fully engaged.

 

No more gang rape

I can’t seem to get the scene out of my mind’s eye—a fifteen-year-old girl gets gang raped for more than two hours right outside her school homecoming dance while twenty people stand by and watch. I just keep thinking, “What if she had been my daughter? What if someone I know had been one of the observers who said nothing—did nothing?”

It’s such a horrific and despicable assault on an innocent victim, and no one stepped up to the plate to stop it. I understand that it may not have been possible to physically jump in and pull the rapists off the girl. It may have been too dangerous to even try. But apparently no one even quietly stepped away to call 911 or slide back inside where security officers could have been summoned. Students and families in the community are justifiably shaken, and fingers are pointing in several directions.

My question is to parents everywhere: What is our role in helping to prevent this kind of atrocity from happening again? And the question goes deeper than asking ourselves if our kids could ever possibly be an attacker—a perpetrator—of such a horrendous crime. Most of us would answer with a resounding “no!” But the subtler question is whether or not we are raising them to be good citizens. Would they be willing to stand up for what they believe in, even if that meant standing alone? Are they capable of calling upon their internal sense of right and wrong, to do what is right in a time of need—in any situation?

Studies show there is a phenomenon called the bystander effect. Simply put, it means that when there are witnesses to some incidence, the larger the group, the less individuals feel obligated or compelled to stand up to the wrong doing. This applies not only to extreme events such as murder, assault or gang rape, but also to more everyday situations such as watching someone be ridiculed, treated poorly or bullied.

So what can we do as parents? First of all, we need to live exemplary lives ourselves because our kids learn much more from watching us than from listening to our lectures. Next, we need to be talking regularly to our kids about compassion and kindness and treating others the way we would like to be treated. Kids don’t automatically learn these lessons, so it’s our responsibility to instill within them a value for human dignity and respect.

We should be talking with them about a moral code of ethics. The younger they are, the more quickly they absorb concepts of morality and principles of good citizenship, and it’s our moral obligation to teach them the essence of what it means to be a civilized person and the importance of rejecting immoral behavior.

As parents it’s our duty to raise leaders—not sheep. That means teaching them to think and to act independently of others so that when something untoward happens, they have the courage and strength to stand against the crowd, not be absorbed by it.

This is a big job. It requires intention, time and effort. It also implies that we have the listening ear of our children. That makes having a strong, trusting relationship with our kids more important than ever. We can teach our kids to create a better world to live in. But, in order to do so, we have to be involved with them on a daily basis in a caring and meaningful way to help them learn to deal responsibly with the complicated issues of their lives.

 

Parents of Balloon Boy

Seems that I’ve been on hiatus from blogging, but I’m back. There are so many things going on in the news that relate to parenting that just call out to me to comment on. I’ve been asked to talk about the parents of the balloon boy on several radio interviews, and I’d like to share my thoughts with you because there are some good parenting lessons to be learned from them.

The Heene’s are examples of parents who don’t think first about how to protect their children, but rather use them to achieve their own goals. Sadly, this is not unusual. Throughout the world these kinds of behavior cover the gamut. On the extreme end, parents sell their children into prostitution. On the more normal and accepted end, little league parents behave badly at games because their own egos—not their children’s—are at the forefront of their thinking and their actions. Even during divorce, angry parents often put their kids between them and their spouses—certainly not for the benefit of their children (because it is so hurtful to the kids) but because they want revenge or they want to inflict pain on their estranged spouse. In each of these cases parents are using their children for their own purposes. They’re thinking more about what’s best for them and putting the needs and well-being of their children way down their ladder of priorities.

The Heene’s also didn’t think about the fact that kids grow up learning to emulate what their parents do—much more than what they say. They really dropped the ball when it came to modeling responsible behavior. They failed miserably when it came to demonstrating to their kids how to live with honesty and integrity. Instead they demonstrated how to cheat, manipulate and be self-serving. What a sad disservice to all three of thier children.

Kids are smarter than we think. They see through empty words and, instead, see the reality of their parents’ behavior. This brings a tremendous amount of responsibility to the people who’ve chosen to be parents to live exemplary lives as best we can. Our children will grow up to be a lot like us, so it behooves us to be painstakingly honest, to treat others with caring and compassion and to live our lives with integrity.

 

Friday Parenting Tip

Instead of looking for the things your child does wrong, pay more attention to what she does well. Give her a compliment when she tries hard. Tell her how much you repsect her for doing something that’s difficult for her. Recognize her for a positive attitude, a lovely behavior, a kind word.

Find something you respect about her and tell her. Be genuine and be honest because false flattery does more harm than good. Your child can see through it and will begin to lose trust in your words.

Tell her that you believe in her, that you expect great things from her because you know how capable she is. Not in a way that makes her feel pressured or feel fear of failure, but in a way that makes her smile with self-confidence.

Your child faces high walls of challenge on a constant basis – in school and with friends. Her world is filled with judgments and criticism. It’s sprinkled with people all too ready to put her down and make her feel inadequate. Give her the opposite. Be her advocate. Let her know she’s worthy, important to you and competent. And watch her self-esteem grow.

 

8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life – #8

“The eighth way” to stay connected to your kids is through self-esteem. Your kids’ self-esteem comes from siblings, peers, teachers, coaches and many others in their world. But no one affects it more than you, the parents.

The way you talk with your children is more important than you can imagine. Your tone of voice, whether you judge, put them down, ridicule or make snide remarks about them – it all soaks into their emotional system and affects how they feel about themselves. As a parent or step-parent you have the opportunity to boost your kids’ self-esteem – or you can stomp on it, crushing and crippling it into a sad, sorry state.

I love how Lou Tice speaks about kids’ performance. He says kids perform, not at the level of their ability, but at the level they believe they can perform. If, as a parent, you praise, respect and support your kids, they’re much more likely to believe in themselves. This has a direct correlation to their success in school, with friends and later, in their careers and adult relationships. What could be more important for a caregiver than to help a child believe in his own potential?

 

Friday parenting Tip

Take the plunge and open a conversation with your child about sex or drugs or drinking. Be sure to keep the conversation at their age level. When talking with a small child about sex, you can talk about bathroom behaviors or body anatomy. With an older child, you can make a comment or ask what they think about a movie or a TV show that has some sexual content. However the conversation starts, keep it going long enough to let your child know that you’re not uncomfortable talking about sex.

Or talk with your child about alcohol and drugs. Does he understand the difference between vitamins and prescription medications, over the counter drugs and street drugs? Does he understand why you have a glass of wine but you don’t serve him? Has he seen people who have drunk too much and observed how it affects their behavior? Or maybe you have alcoholism in your family but have never spoken about it with your child.

This conversation is for you as well as for your child because you may need some practice yourself in feeling at ease with these topics. Then pat yourself on the back. You’ve taken a giant step in creating a safe environment for your kids to talk with you about some of the most important issues in their lives.

 

How to Stay Connected to Your Kids for life – #7

Even sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll can be a topic for staying connected to your kids. It’s “the seventh way.” You may be wondering when to start these conversations with your child. The answer is: It’s never too early to start. You could even begin while driving your newborn home from the hospital! Not because it would benefit your baby, but because it would be good practice for you.

I’ve found that kids are curious. They want to know. More than likely, it’s the parents who get thrown off kilter with the questions. They may him and haw, change the subject or say, “You’re too young. We’ll talk about it later.” But later never comes. And your child learns a big lesson: I can’t talk to Mom about sex. I can’t talk to Dad about drugs and alcohol. And the gap between you grows. You begin to lose contact with your child about some of the most important areas of their lives. You lose your ability to advise and counsel them, your lose your chance to share your wisdom, knowledge and experience, and you lose your opportunity to influence them toward positive decisions.

Sex, drugs and alcohol will come up in your family. There’s no escaping it and no avoiding it. So begin to talk very early with your kids about these issues – in age appropriate levels and depths – so that these conversations seem normal to all of you. Then, when your kids are faced with their own challenges, they’ll feel comfortable talking with you about them. You may not be able to control the outcomes, but you’ll be able to give powerful, positive input.