Speading the Word as Guest Blogger

As you already know, blogging is a great way to stay current on the issues that are near and dear to our hearts — especially as parents. And, while I haven’t been as prolific on my own blog as I (and possibly you) have wanted, I have been busy as a regular contributor to four other blog sites. The sites are ParentsAsk.com, Parenting Pink: Raising Strong Girls Together, Care2 Make a Difference, and Psychology Today. Go ahead and check them out and let me know which ones you enjoy the most!

 

Banishing Bullying

I have a great tip for you today – a new book called “Banishing Bullying Behavior: Transforming the Culture of Pain, Rage, and Revenge” by SuEllen Fried and Blanche Sosland.

SuEllen is a friend and colleague, one whom I admire a great deal. Not only for her expertise on bullying but also because of her wisdom and her devotion to her work. She is a beautiful woman both inside and out.

This is SuEllen’s second book on bullying so she really knows her field. She and her co-author have researched the topic of bullying thoroughly and are incredibly knowledgeable about every aspect of what kids go through at school, on the playground and anywhere other kids can taunt, tease and threaten their peers.

If you want to know the facts, the statistics and the most current information, grab a copy and get involved in helping your kids survive their world by being a part of the solution to banish bullying behavior.

 

Talking with Your Kids about Haiti

The earthquake in Haiti is one of the worst natural disasters the world has known in recent times. Videos, photos and news reports fill TV and computer screens as well as newspapers and magazines. Your kids can hardly escape the news or the images that go with it. With such human tragedy front and center, how do you talk to your kids appropriately without scaring them to death?

It’s particularly distressing for kids to see other kids in such agony, because they identify more with the young people than with the adults. Be available to hear whatever they have to say and listen without judgment or criticism.

Allow your kids to express their feelings and be understanding of those feelings – whatever they are. There are no bad feelings and no one is bad for expressing any of them. This is a time of great tumult and kids may need to pour out fear, confusion, sadness, and grief in the safety of your home.

As with any other topic, it’s important to keep your conversations at levels and depths that they can grasp without becoming overwhelmed. When young children pose questions, keep your answers at the brevity and complexity with which their questions are asked—and if they want to know more, they will ask again. It’s ok to limit the kinds of scenes they look at. Some are so graphic that it is too traumatizing for young children to look at them. Older kids will want to talk at deeper levels—just let them guide you to the proper depth of their interest.

Don’t avoid the reality but also assure them that they are safe because we have no reason to believe we will be hit with such a disaster. Even if you’re aware of predictions, let them know that those predictions are vague. Life is never certain, but there is no value or benefit in focusing on what might happen sometime in the future—especially something over which we have no control.

Tragedies don’t have to focus entirely on death and destruction. If anything positive at all could ever come out of the disaster in Haiti it would be that people become more aware and more caring about their fellow man. So take the opportunity to turn your conversations toward compassion, helping others and paying it forward. Talk with them about being grateful for what we have and our human obligation to give to those in need. These lessons are important for your kids to learn—whether it’s a friend or neighbor in need or whether they are people in another country whom you don’t know personally. Teaching your kids these lessons will give them a sense of value and help them to become generous adults.

This is a time to cement your family value of compassion. Bond together to talk about the characteristics and the principles you consider most important to become moral and upstanding people. Kids will feel a sense of pride in belonging to a family whose code of ethics includes helping friends and neighbors. Engage in discussions about how your family can step up to the plate and give out of your abundance. Find an organization or a benefit you would like to contribute to. Even small children can seal the envelope containing a contribution. This allows your kids to feel the satisfaction of knowing they have been a part of the solution.

Although people from countries all over the world may have different religious beliefs and political systems, they recognize our common humanity when serious problems arise. Often during a tragedy, we see the very best of human behavior as people and governments focus on our commonalities rather than our differences. Focus on the lives that are being saved rather than the bodies that have been buried. Point out how these countries are reaching out to help by sending food, water, medical supplies, doctors, nurses, many kinds of support people and later, builders to help reconstruct. This kind of admirable behavior gives us hope for the world in a time where there is so much turmoil and unrest.

As with any crisis, time soon turns to other things—long before the victims find healing and recovery. Set aside time in your family— now and for the days to come—to pray, to remember, to commemorate and to honor the precious live of the people in Haiti.

 

Choosing to Be Friend or Parent

Should you try to be friends with your kids—or do they need a parent, not another friend? Actually, there’s no conflict between being a parent and being a friend. A parent who is approachable, accessible and has their kids’ best interests at heart grows a close bond with their kids. We simply call that a friendship.

When my daughters were young, I feared that my closeness to them might destroy my ability to discipline them. But I began to realize that kids actually give you permission to discipline them. They grant you permission to have authority over them. And why do they do that? Because, over the years, through of the constancy of your relationship with them, you have proven to them that you’re fair, you’re not capricious or frivolous, and you have their best interests at heart. So even though they may disagree with you or be temporarily angry or disappointed, they give you permission to discipline them because they respect and trust you. If you don’t think you need that permission, you’re in for a very wild ride—one filled with disobedience, rebellion, power struggles, chaos and endless nightmares. And the older they get, the more difficult it becomes.

The most important goal of parenting is to build a strong, positive relationship when your kids are very young so that when they get older and the issues become more complicated, you’ve already created a connection that makes you the one they talk to—and listen to—even about the tough stuff in their lives. But parenting is a balancing act and you can get off balance in several ways.

1. If you’re too close to your kids you can run the risk of being permissive. So please remember:
• Don’t allow or encourage your kids to go beyond the limits (as their peers might do) and don’t ignore it when they do. And effective parent sets boundaries—a permissive parent erases them.
• Don’t try to be your kids’ best friend. That might look like dressing as they do, trying to be oh-so-hip and cool, using their slang or giggling with them about inappropriate, intimate details of your life.
• Keep your parent/child boundaries crisp and clear. You can share and be open without talking with them like they talk with their peers.

I’ve always tried to share my life appropriately with my kids to model openness for them. I wanted them to feel safe to tell me anything they wanted to without fearing judgment, criticism or ridicule. But I didn’t make them my confidante, burden them with the struggles of my life or make them feel guilty or responsible for my problems.

2. If you mandate your kids to obey to the letter of the law because you think your way is the only way, you will be too controlling. But:
• Power and control doesn’t work as a disciplinary technique.
• Power and control aren’t real. They’re an illusion. They’re fragile at best.
• You can’t even guarantee that your kids will obey you when they’re in the same room, let alone when they’re out of your sight. It’s more effective in the long haul to teach your kids to make decisions on their own—with advice and counseling from you.

When my kids were young, they thought I had control. I asked them to do something—and they did it, or not—and then there were consequences. I was big— they were little—I was in charge. But I knew that when they got older, they’d figure it out. I just couldn’t walk by their side every minute of every day whispering instructions in their ear and forcing them to do things my way. So I decided to be on their team, be understanding of their mistakes and earn the privilege of being the one they chose to talk with when they faced challenges and difficult decisions.

3. If you don’t take the time to talk with your kids and participate in their daily lives in a caring and meaningful way, you’ll be too distant, aloof and disengaged. They will respond by:
• Not talking with you and not sharing their lives, their problems or their decisions.
• Treating you the same way you treat them—with little interaction, sensitivity or caring.
• Not feeling safe with you and not trusting you with their issues because they don’t really know how you will react.

Here’s the deal: If you’re not open and involved in their lives, they won’t be open and close to you. That’s just the basic rule of communication—in any relationship. If you lose your connection, then you lose your opportunity to talk with them, support them and influence them in positive directions.

4. If you’re too afraid your kids will make mistakes, you may end up being a “helicopter parent.” Instead of smothering them, it’s important to:
• Allow them to stumble and screw up at times. It’s not so much what they do in the moment but what they learn from it that counts.
• Honor their mistakes. It gives you the opportunity to talk with them, explore options and help them make better decisions in the future.
• Support them—even when they’ve done something stupid—because that’s when they need you most. It builds their self esteem and their self-confidence.

When I was young, my dad often told me what to do and how to do it. He loved me so much that he didn’t want me to do it wrong, and he thought he could make the best decisions for me. But the message I got was that I wasn’t capable of deciding for myself. With my own daughters I tried to allow them to choose for themselves—with my guidance and coaching—so they would become self-reliant and responsible adults.

It’s often easy to be close to your kids when they’re young. The question is: Will you be able to protect and maintain that relationship for those important pre-teen and teen years? You can if you’re purposeful in developing a friendship with your children. Make it a friendship that is a caliber higher and a layer deeper than those they have with their peers. A caliber higher because you bring a wealth of knowledge, experience and mature decision making that your kids can trust and learn from. A layer deeper because you’re never competitive or jealous and you never betray them or abandon them. This is what creates a lifelong bond of love and loyalty that no other friend can beat.

 

Building Relationships in a Digital World

No one could argue that kids today are growing up in a digital world. This fact presents parents with more challenges than ever before as they try to raise responsible young adults. Three problems stand at the forefront:

1. Between 20% and 30% of pre-teens and teens are involved in “sexting” (sending nude or semi-nude photos via text messages on their phones). What these kids may not know is that “sexting” is illegal and is a potential porn charge. In addition, college admissions boards and employers are now checking out applicants online to see what kinds of posts they’re circulating in cyberspace.

2. Cyberbullying is on the rise. Not only are kids taunting, teasing and threatening their peers online, but they’re also spreading false rumors and even impersonating other kids. The humiliation of victims results in severe depression and even terror at what might be spread tomorrow.

3. Kids all over America are plugged in—to their computers, their Ipods, their cell phones and their video games. Instead of looking at the kids who’s sitting three feet away and talking face to face, his friend texts him. Rather than enjoying the company of a friend, two girls walk side by side listening to music on their earphones. Kids are attached to their devices, but they aren’t learning to communicate or interact person to person.

No wonder parents live in fear of losing their kids! But instead of giving up and allowing technology to take over, parents need to dig in and get involved in their kids lives. Build a relationship with them that makes you the one they talk to—and listen to—even about the tough stuff in their lives. If you’ve allowed your kids to slip away into their own worlds, sit down with them and tell them that you miss them and would like to reconnect. If you’ve been too busy to spend time with them, apologize and let them know you want to remedy that. They will appreciate your apology and respect you for being vulnerable. Here are some ways to rebuild a trusting relationship with your kids:

• Treat them respectfully
• Set aside time alone with each child to talk with them
• Tell them how much you love and value them and how important they are to you
• Put down what you’re doing and look at them when they talk to you
• Talk with them, not at them
• Listen to their feelings, not just the words they say
• Treat their problems seriously because to them, they are

In a digital word with so much digital abuse bombarding our kids on a constant basis, parents need to be closer to their kids than ever to help guide them through the maze and help them stay out of trouble. The dangers that lurk behind the on buttons of their computers and the send buttons of their cell phones are serious, and kids need the advice of loving, caring parents to teach them how to be responsible with the technology they use. If you stick close and stay connected to your kids, you will have the opportunity to be their mentor and coach, to teach them how communicate effectively and to influence them in positive ways. It will be the greatest gift you can give them.

 

New Year’s Resolution

What better time than today to make a New Year’s resolution that will benefit your entire family—not only in 2010, but for years to come.

Here’s the most important resolution you could make: I will make a connection with my kids that makes me the one they talk to—and listen to—even during the tough times.

Whether you already have a good relationship with your children or whether you need to rewind and start again, here are some suggestions to make your resolution take root and blossom.

1. Treat your kids with respect. You can’t expect them to be close to you if you don’t treat them respectfully—as you would any adult whom you admire or care about. That means:
• Talk with them as equals instead of people you want to have power over
• Practice mutual sharing of ideas and thoughts and consider theirs as important as yours
• Talk with them, not at them
• Take their problems seriously because, to them, they are

When you treat your kids with respect, they will trust you with their problems and you’ll have the opportunity to guide and mentor them.

2. Listen more than you talk. Parents often think that good communication is about how well you talk. But it’s actually more about how well you listen. So:
• Put down what you’re doing and look at them when they’re talking to you
• Listen until you understand the situation from their perspective
• Listen to their feelings—not just the words they say
• Ask instead of tell

When you let them know you care and you give them you total attention, your kids will appreciate your genuine interest and concern and are much more likely to open up to you.

3. Don’t judge or criticize. Even when your kids make a stupid mistake, don’t react. First and foremost, make sure you protect and maintain your relationship. There’s plenty of time to solve the problem after they know you understand, you care and you’re on their side. Instead:
• Bite your tongue
• Count to ten
• Put your hand over your mouth
• Do whatever is necessary to prevent yourself from jumping impulsively to judge or criticize.
No one likes to be put down or ridiculed and your kids are no exception. Criticism is the fastest way to create distance between you and your child.

4. Enjoy your kids and have fun with them. Kids love to laugh and play, so make sure you’re a part of their laughter so that they will want to be with you.
• Suggest games and activities they enjoy
• Spend time alone with each one regularly—even if only for short periods of time
• Affirm them and tell them how important and how valuable they are to you.

A colleague once told me, she’s not worried about the families who are having fun together. It’s the ones who never laugh or enjoy each other that she’s worried about.

Now that you have made your resolution, make sure you hold yourself accountable to fulfilling it. Ask yourself each day how you’re doing and identify opportunities to make progress. Both you and your family will benefit from your diligence and determination.

 

What about Santa Claus?

Several moms have asked me recently how they should talk with their young children about Santa Claus. And if there’s a problem with Santa, then what about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny? If they encourage their little ones to believe these myths, are they lying to their kids and will it cause damage to their relationships because their kids won’t trust them?

No, I certainly hope not. I’ve never known a child—at any age—who blames his parents for allowing him to enjoy the delight and surprise of Christmas morning.

Santa Claus is a beautiful fantasy that brings excitement to children and joy into millions of families. At young ages, children are vibrantly alive with imagination. It’s as though they’re on the lookout for something make-believe to stimulate their creative little minds. They’re into monsters, ghosts and fairies. They stories they read are filled with magic and the supernatural that enthrall their young hearts. They often create imaginary friends—and we smile and go along with it because we know it’s all a part of their growth and development.

But parents can damage a trusting relationship with their kids in many other ways. If you lie to them about your own life-style or if you don’t answer honestly when they ask questions, they’ll doubt your truthfulness. If you treat their problems casually or with disrespect, they won’t trust you with the issues they face. If you sneak into their rooms and read their diaries, share their secrets with your friends or eaves-drop on their private conversations, they won’t talk with you about anything important. If you ridicule their beliefs, make fun of their thoughts and laugh at their mistakes, they won’t respect you enough to let you be a part of their lives. These are the behaviors parents should be concerned about because they will make a lasting, negative impact on children.

But don’t worry about the celebration of Christmas that involves elves, the North Pole and reindeer that fly. Just as every culture has its legends, the story of St Nicholas is one of ours. There is no harm in letting small children believe in a charming, traditional story that brings them so much anticipation and fun. As they grow older, they usually figure it out on their own because it becomes impossible for them to believe in the absurdity of one man flying in his sleigh to every house around the world in the span of one night to slide down the chimney of each girl and boy.

What’s left to explain is the value of giving gifts and the spirit of joy that comes from giving to others, the hope and dreams for things you want to come true in your life and the belief in things that are not yet a reality. These are the concepts you want your kids to embrace for the rest of their lives.

 

Fessing Up to the Past

It’s been great getting to know Vanessa Van Petten, author of “You’re Grounded!: A
Parenting Book from the Kid’s Perspective.” Vanessa is also the founder of RadicalParenting.com, a parenting website written from the kid’s perspective and with 82 teen interns. Check it out. You’ll love it.

I am pleased to post the following article written by Becca, a writer for RadicalParenting.com.

Should Parents Fess Up To Past Failures and Experimentation? How should they bring this up? Should they lie about it?

Becca is a 16 year-old from West Palm Beach, FL. She loves to cook and travel, and she would like to study International Business in the future.

Situation: At some point in your children’s teenage years, they will probably bring up the topic of your past experimentation. It may be for a variety of reasons, ranging from curiosity to looking for justification for their own actions. As with many parenting situations, there is not just one clear answer.

Approach 1: Tell the truth.
It’s been great getting to know Vanessa Van Petten, author of “You’re Grounded!: A
Why you should consider:
- An open relationship between parents and their children is built on trust. Since you expect them to tell you the truth, they will also expect you to tell them the truth. If you chose to do so, they may feel more comfortable coming to you in the future.
- You can show them that nobody’s perfect. Hopefully, though, they will take your mistakes as a warning.
- You reinforce the importance of communication.
- You can take the opportunity to have a conversation on the topic and explain how they should try to make mature decisions.
- Your kids will feel like you are treating them as adults and not children. This will not only help their confidence but also offer another reason why they should make good decisions.

Approach 2: Lie or fabricate the truth

Why you should consider:
- Some kids are looking for as many reasons as they can find to rationalize their own experimentation. If they think, “My parents did it, so it’s alright,” they may use your truthful story as an “ok” rather than as a warning.
- If your child will not understand that you do not condone experimentation just because you did it yourself, they may take the truth the wrong way.
- Parents are almost always role models for their kids, so stories of past experimentation may be letdowns.

Bottom line: Your approach to this situation will obviously depend on your kids. If you feel that they will learn from your mistakes, then the truth is the better option. However, if you think they will take the truth as a reason to repeat your mistakes, then you may want to reconsider. It’s also important to remember that an unconditional mantra of telling the truth may actually hurt your child. If they ask about experimentation, answer them in the way you feel would be most beneficial for them at that point in time. You can always re-visit the topic when they grow older. Whatever method you pick, you should still try to convey the harms of experimentation. Drugs, alcohol, and sex are oftentimes treated more lightly today than they were in the past because of their prominence in teen culture. The most important thing is making sure that your children are knowledgeable enough to make educated decisions.

I would like to end with a few comments.

Becca’s article shows great thoughtfulness and insight into the importance of parenting. I admire her for her understanding of the importance of an open relationship between parents and their kids, and I fully endorse her considerations on why it’s a good idea to tell the truth to your kids.

The concepts of fabricating the truth are more complicated. Becca has certainly pinpointed the potential problems of parents being truthful about their own failures and experimentations. But I would suggest a slightly different solution. If you get into the habit of telling untruths to your kids when it’s difficult to be honest, you’re riding a very slippery slope with them—one which could damage their trust in you irreparably and also give them the message that it’s ok to lie when the truth is painful.

Instead, you can be totally up front. Emphasize that you are not condoning the behaviors of your own past and that you are sharing with them so that they will benefit from your mistakes and not fall into the same pitfalls you fell into. It’s not just that you tell them what you did, but it’s how you tell them that matters. An honest discussion about your past does not give your kids permission to do crazy things. The real message is “I’m human. I’m not perfect. I understand some of the issues you face with friends, in school and at parties. I’ve done some things in my life that I’m not proud of, and I want to help you learn from my experience.” This opens the door for them to feel safe in sharing with you, and that’s the goal.

Becca ends with some sage advice: always be cognizant of the benefit of your stories for your kids. If you believe that your sharing will have no benefit for them, then don’t share. Give them good information about sex, drugs and alcohol, because their peers often don’t have the facts right. And be sure to warn them about harmful experimentation so that your kids are armed to make the best and healthiest decisions.

 

Having Fun or Scolding

Like many of you, we enjoyed a big family Thanksgiving with lots of kids. There were twenty four of us ranging in age from seven months to seventy years. It was especially fun for me to watch my own kids as well as my nieces and nephews as they took care of their babies, toddlers and small children. There was a lot of good parenting going on as each set of parents played with, talked to and tended their little ones.

Whether it was throwing baseballs in the backyard, reading stories, playing with toys or giving crawling lessons, these parents were focused on making sure their kids were included in the activities and having fun. Oh yes, once in a while one child started crying or misbehaved. But the parent didn’t get upset, impatient or angry. He or she simply talked quietly to his child and guided him gently to a better behavior.

I was particularly impressed by how much laughter there was. These parents were truly enjoying their kids and were delighted to have a couple of days just to be with them. It reminded me of an observation a colleague one made. Having spent her entire career working with families, she commented to me that it wasn’t the families who played and laughed together that she was concerned about. She knew that they were developing strong, positive relationships so that when the kids got older, they’d already have the foundation to weather the storms.

It was the families who didn’t seem to be having fun together that worried her. Without the enjoyment and delight to bond them together when the children were young, she feared they would grow apart. Children from these families would have more problems as they entered the pre-teen and teen years.

Now, unfortunately, one of the families at our Thanksgiving celebration seemed to fall into this latter category. The parents came across as uptight and rigid, watching their children’s every more and ready to pounce if they deviated from perfect behavior. There were very few smiles. The kids were adorable and sweet—once in a while a bit rambunctious. But they weren’t mean and they meant no harm.

Instead of quietly and respectfully re-directing them, the parents snarled and rebuked them in front of others. They were quick to criticize and even tell the rest of us how badly they were misbehaving. They showed little tolerance, compassion or understanding and seemed to have no joy in their hearts for children. Their harsh judgmentalism made the rest of us feel uncomfortable. I can only imagine how it made the children feel. Probably not very good about themselves or their parents. That’s why overly strict parenting techniques create problems.

I wanted to tell thsee parents to chill already because this kind of parenting doesn’t pan out over time. Small children will put up with it because they’re too young to do anything else. But as they get older, I suspect they’ll begin to react negatively to the constant scolding, the public put downs and the disrespect. In addition, it will affect their self-esteem negatively. The gap between the parents and the kids will begin to widen. They’ll quit talking to their parents and stop trusting them. And the parents will wonder what happened. They’ll probably think it’s normal development for adolescents to rebel and shut down.

But if you remember to nurture that great relationship you have with your kids when they’re young, then it’s not automatic that they’ll turn away from you when they’re older. If you remember that your connection with your kids is your responsibility more than it is theirs, then you’ll have the opportunity to enjoy your children as much when they’re teens as when they were toddlers.

 

Families Who Enjoy Each Other

A couple of weeks ago when my husband Terry and I were driving through the mountains in Colorado, we stopped in a small town for breakfast. We’d barely been served our first cup of coffee when two young families came in and sat next to us—two sets of parents, each with a daughter and son about the same age. Since they were all laughing and chatting, it was difficult not to notice and become captivated by their delight and the fun they were having together.

It warmed our hearts. The parents talked together while the kids did the same. Then suddenly they were all talking together. They took turns and no one dominated or took control. The parents asked questions to one or more of the kids and then listened attentively while the kids responded animatedly. These two sets of parents had clearly figured it out. They had learned how to develop great relationships with their kids, and now they were reaping the benefits of their close connections, their respect for each other and the enjoyment it brought to their lives.

Kids are pretty cool people. They’re constantly learning and growing; they take risks and are not afraid to experiment; they question and are curious about everything; they have a positive attitude and are up for trying new things. All of this makes them very interesting and quite stimulating to be around.

Do they make mistakes and do stupid things? Of course they do. They’re kids. But parents need to learn to honor those mistakes because that’s when kids need their parents’ support more than ever in order to learn from those mistakes and make better decisions in the future.

Instead of ridiculing, criticizing and jumping to punishment, take the time to talk with your kids when they screw up. Be open to listen and to try to see the situation from their perspective. Ask questions that will help you understand your children better and the struggles they’re facing.

It’s only after you’ve been patient enough to really get the whole scoop that you will earn the privilege of being on the inside of your kids’ lives. That’s when you have the opportunity to guide and influence them. And that’s when you experience the rewards of those two families in the restaurant.